I was meant to write last few days actually but it got so busy at work and I become frustrated and very tired. Frustrated about work and politics. I was going to write that I felt so much better. I was thinking about last year, how difficult it all was and how low I felt. It is a horrible place to be.

I don’t think it’s the best method in mental health problems but “it could always be worse”. Also I remember when I was in the middle of last year I was going through all of it, I discussed it with one of my friends and she said “I can get used to anything”. Why can’t I? Flexibility.

So, I feel better. I am doing positive affirmations as much as I can, when I remember and have time. But as soon as I have few things piling up or change of my routine – the anxiety comes back. My daughter isn’t well, I’ve been up most of the night with her. The dark scenarios I saw in my head…. But after imagine the worst, I felt – it’s not bad. What I have now it is NOT bad. As it could always be worse. Maybe if I tried I could get used to anything as well???

My evenings are much better. My nights… not. I have problems falling asleep and then I wake up with any noise. But the falling asleep is difficult. I increased my melatonin to two tablets 2mg. It’s not a big dose at all. But sometimes it helps. I still take sleeping tablets but I try not to rely on then and take them occasionally. It’s sad as sleep was never ever my problem. I could sleep anywhere, anytime – no problems. Fell asleep in 30seconds!!

Maybe it’s just time. Maybe at least I know what I’ve got and I can deal with it – at least it is not worse. But tiredness and change of routine definitely triggers my anxiety so need to remember that. I need to remember that whatever I think in moments like that is NOT prediction of the future.

Sometimes I think life is so much piling up. I have no time to catch up with everything I want. But need to take day by day, moment by moment. Not to overthink, not to go ahead in the future. I am actually coping all right. I’m trying.

To add to it even more, I started diet. I looked at the mirror and thought – enough is enough. It’s only good to say – don’t think of it now, there will be time to lose weight. Well, the time is now. I started swimming lessons so that’s completely new to me 🙂 I try to get going with the law of attraction – good thoughts bring good events. But I also get on with my crocheting. I finished one blanket and the second project is well underway 🙂

So maybe flexibility and change of focus is the answer. Law of attraction, positive affirmation and change of focus. Yes, life is not easy. Yes it’s more than I could think I would have to deal with. But I am strong.

Finished blanket 🙂
Pepper’s favourite!

Positive affirmations

“We attract to ourselves what we hold inside. Every circumstance, every person, every situation that we attract and experience is based on what is inside of us. Could you ask for a more magnificent system than this?

Your life is a reflection of what you hold inside you, and what you hold inside you is always under your control.”

“The Secret Daily Teachings” Rhonda Byrne

I haven’t written for a while. Things went a bit pear shaped. I think just after my last post I had a bad week of a complete re-lapse of fear and panic. I had panic attacks and complete depression. I was petrified, scared and lonely.

I don’t know how exactly I managed to get up but I have. Things are not perfect. I made myself so busy not to think about stuff that now I have no time to rest and it is not good either. But nevertheless things are a bit better that they were.

I’m still listening to my audiobook “The worry trick” and I still think that the advice given in that book is amazing. I have to go back though and make few notes to put it all into some sort of whole as it’s a bit scatty. I also came across few people talking about positive affirmations and the power of positive thinking. Hence the quote above. I thought I would give it a go. I watched few Polish You Tube videos about it and the lady there said that we should tell ourselves how good we are and how attractive we are and all the positive thoughts. And then someone may say it’s a lie. But when we say to ourselves we are fat ugly and unattractive – we lie as well. So may as well lie positively. And then I thought – why not. Will give it a go.

I found a book with daily teachings and I’m trying to force positive thinking.

I also got a call from Healthy Minds again. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before but I have been now diagnosed with PTSD not quite GAD. So PTSD is a post-traumatic stress disorder. And guess who deals with it – Healthy Mind, same organisation which I have done my CBT therapy with! Why they didn’t diagnose this before I don’t know. But now I’m back to the beginning of the queue as they discarded me after last year therapy so now I have to wait for a therapist to become available. that’s ok though as it’s been such a long time I’m struggling with this that waiting a bit longer is not going to make much difference As long as I’m getting the correct treatment this time! The good thing is they didn’t offer me their lovely online course (which I hated) and I was straight away referred to a fact-to-face therapy.

On top of fighting with my own mood, Graham has lost his job and he is quite down. It’s so difficult to stay strong for others when you don’t feel strong yourself. Sometimes all I want is someone to look after me and hug me so tights and say it will be ok, I’ll look after you and I’ll do it. I’ll take care of it so you don’t have to. I know adulthood is all about responsibility. But I’ve never expected that much of it. It is enough to worry about money and job etc when you add health to it, it all becomes overwhelming.

But, I’m still doing what I’ve been doing. The difficulty is that I am fighting myself. My own mind. When the evening approaches I can feel the thoughts coming to my head, mostly “what ifs” and I can feel them and notice them more and more gathering around my head. At the moment I can manage to stop them converting into panic. But I can’t stop them coming. I can see the normal life happening and I don’t feel the normal life yet. But it is looking into the things you do have and appreciate them.

And then there is always Zentangle 😉


I was meant to write few positives each day. I have to say that the intolerance to uncertainty was such an eye opener…. I feel like walking on the edge… still so very very close to the precipice…. but holding on the edge standing. I don’t even allow myself to doubt it won’t work. I believe strongly it will work 🙂 I have stopped my mind wandering towards old habits and imagining the seizures so many times. I have taken small steps and tried to do behavioural experiments and do what I’ve never done – act to situations different way and see if it works (basically increase my tolerance to uncertain situations rather then try to increase certainty by worrying). I have done Headspace 4 days in a row now 😉 and my anxiety is lower. I don’t feel by any means comfortable in doing it, it’s not something I do automatically I have to watch and question my own thoughts all the time. But I do feel less anxious and today I even felt somehow happy 🙂

Another positive and it’s a bit step is my husband relationship with my older daughter. So it’s quite obvious Graham has been going through a very difficult time in his life. I can’t even imagine how he felt, although I can see the physical symptoms of chemotherapy, how sick, weak, washout he was and how much trauma it’s been for his body to cause seizures (possibly the reason, but definitely not helping). He’s been very strong psychologically and emotionally. I’ve struggled mostly emotionally side which has been described in depth through here. But the girls struggled too. The little one picked up on the routine change. But the older one… had good and bad days. On some days she didn’t want to eat, couldn’t sleep, had nightmares, burst into tears randomly. She had mood swings, insecurity issues and she stopped sleeping alone. And most of all she didn’t want to stay with Graham on her own. I know how it hurt him. Today it’s the first time since 28th January they spent few hours on their own and they really really enjoyed it! 🙂

I would normally say – I don’t know if it lasts… (see – again, trying to predict the worst scenario) but the new me won’t say that. It is now, now they are happy. And we don’t need any “what if’s”. Let not allow my mind to wander. But that’s the point, need to stop myself. I’m so tempted to imagine worse case scenarios all the time but I’m making a conscious effort not to do that and also trying to distract myself.

And speaking of distraction – another positive, our little hamster Mr Fuzzy (turned out to be HIM not HER) got some treats today and he really seemed to enjoy them 🙂