“We attract to ourselves what we hold inside. Every circumstance, every person, every situation that we attract and experience is based on what is inside of us. Could you ask for a more magnificent system than this?

Your life is a reflection of what you hold inside you, and what you hold inside you is always under your control.”

“The Secret Daily Teachings” Rhonda Byrne

I haven’t written for a while. Things went a bit pear shaped. I think just after my last post I had a bad week of a complete re-lapse of fear and panic. I had panic attacks and complete depression. I was petrified, scared and lonely.

I don’t know how exactly I managed to get up but I have. Things are not perfect. I made myself so busy not to think about stuff that now I have no time to rest and it is not good either. But nevertheless things are a bit better that they were.

I’m still listening to my audiobook “The worry trick” and I still think that the advice given in that book is amazing. I have to go back though and make few notes to put it all into some sort of whole as it’s a bit scatty. I also came across few people talking about positive affirmations and the power of positive thinking. Hence the quote above. I thought I would give it a go. I watched few Polish You Tube videos about it and the lady there said that we should tell ourselves how good we are and how attractive we are and all the positive thoughts. And then someone may say it’s a lie. But when we say to ourselves we are fat ugly and unattractive – we lie as well. So may as well lie positively. And then I thought – why not. Will give it a go.

I found a book with daily teachings and I’m trying to force positive thinking.

I also got a call from Healthy Minds again. I’m not sure if I mentioned it before but I have been now diagnosed with PTSD not quite GAD. So PTSD is a post-traumatic stress disorder. And guess who deals with it – Healthy Mind, same organisation which I have done my CBT therapy with! Why they didn’t diagnose this before I don’t know. But now I’m back to the beginning of the queue as they discarded me after last year therapy so now I have to wait for a therapist to become available. that’s ok though as it’s been such a long time I’m struggling with this that waiting a bit longer is not going to make much difference As long as I’m getting the correct treatment this time! The good thing is they didn’t offer me their lovely online course (which I hated) and I was straight away referred to a fact-to-face therapy.

On top of fighting with my own mood, Graham has lost his job and he is quite down. It’s so difficult to stay strong for others when you don’t feel strong yourself. Sometimes all I want is someone to look after me and hug me so tights and say it will be ok, I’ll look after you and I’ll do it. I’ll take care of it so you don’t have to. I know adulthood is all about responsibility. But I’ve never expected that much of it. It is enough to worry about money and job etc when you add health to it, it all becomes overwhelming.

But, I’m still doing what I’ve been doing. The difficulty is that I am fighting myself. My own mind. When the evening approaches I can feel the thoughts coming to my head, mostly “what ifs” and I can feel them and notice them more and more gathering around my head. At the moment I can manage to stop them converting into panic. But I can’t stop them coming. I can see the normal life happening and I don’t feel the normal life yet. But it is looking into the things you do have and appreciate them.

And then there is always Zentangle 😉

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