I haven’t written for some time. It’s been a difficult week. I have got very confused as to what I am actually feeling and what is happening.

My daughter has finally got to see someone at school. One year ago I have applied for counselling for her and only just now she has been given the opportunity to see someone. Part of me thought was it worth going over the things when she has managed to cope with it in herself. But if I didn’t use the chance maybe she would cope with it in a completely wrong way like I have coped with my childhood. I want her to have better life. Better emotional and psychological life.

When speaking with the counselor I discovered few things. She brought up few good points, she understood where I come from. I was a bit afraid she’d say I only waste her time as there are people with real problems out there. I’m not sure if it is such a good thing to actually be considered as “real” problem. But nevertheless I felt understood and listen to.

But during the discussion I was told that I probably was misdiagnosed with GAD (I’m not sure about that one. An hour chat is not really enough to establish that) but I have PTSD. I have felt I had PTSD for a while now. the name for it is “complexed emotional trauma”. I was told to get my GP to do a proper mental health assessment to get a correct treatment.

I have tried to call GP but you can’t really get anywhere with them on Friday. I doubt I get far on Monday too.

I have been doing a lot of self-analysis which I am personally a bit sock of now. I have also tried to join Facebook PTSD groups. I have read a lot online about PTSD… as you do. When I read about it online I do have all the symptomps. The flashbacks, nightmares and constant fear and “alert” state are the worst. Well that’s what PTSD mainly is. But when I read about other people experiences on the Facebook groups… I don’t quite fit there.

On top of it I think I might have lost another friend. It really amazes me how much people cannot take other people’s pain. I don’t know why it only come out now. We were talking about things from last year. Maybe they felt they couldn’t say anything last year as I was “suffering” and now when things got back to normal – they can tell me how much I’ve hurt them. Actually it is a good thing in a way. As by no means I wanted to hurt anyone. but it just shows who your real friends are. Things never go back to normal after things like that. There is no normal. normal has gone! and the new “now” is difficult to cope with. I need to learn what to do and how to do it. I’m extremely grateful to everyone who stood by my side. I said it before and I’d say it again – I would have never done it without my friends. But I’m not fully back to being myself. I don’t focus on others now. There isn’t enough me to make sure everyone knows how grateful I am. There is not enough me to be a good friend possibly. I don’t know how long the healing process will take.

I still feel scared of evenings at home. I feel scared of letting Graham go – in case something will trigger a seizure. I know it is silly. I’m still working on myself and I start to believe it is a matter of time. I’ll get there and I’ll be happy again. I asked today everyone at the table to tell one positive thing which happened today. I didn’t give them any warning about it – but I think I keep doing it.

I also need to re-wind and go back to basics. I need to learn what’s mine and what is someone else’s pain/emotion/fear/worry/hurt. It is theirs. Not mine. I think it will be difficult to change the mindset. but hopefully not impossible 🙂

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